Okay, so it’s happening again. That feeling like all of my hard work and progress with overcoming stress and fear just went down the tubes. Intellectually I realize that’s not true, that the foundation is still there…even if it feels a bit rickety today.
I forgot my cardinal rule of taking on one thing at a time, and instead, stood in the middle of the freeway getting mowed down by semi trucks. Not the best of feelings. Why can’t I remember to breathe at times like this? To focus on what I know works for me to reduce stress? I guess it boils down to the reality that I am a human being, and sometimes I just get overwhelmed and slip up.
Instead of the usual peaceful start to the day, I began by taking my husband in for an ultrasound, that in itself a terrifying thing to me. Next followed a series of frustrations dealing with family and work that were out of my control, and that sent me spinning into the old cycle of fear and anxiety…the “what ifs?”, the “what will I do’s?”, the self-defeating inner dialogue. That helpless feeling of spinning uncontrollably.
Enough! I went home to sit in the quiet, to regroup. As I sorted through the events of the morning, I came to a decision; it was time to focus on what I could change, what I could make better, one thing at a time. The other stuff? Let it go. Be methodical, don’t let the emotions splatter all over me like a Jackson Pollock painting. Go back to what works.
So, this afternoon I will go down my list and take care of each stressor one at a time. I will write, I will practice my instrument, I will go to yoga. I will breathe and know it is okay to be a frail human being sometimes. I will remind myself that sometimes two steps back doesn’t me you’ve failed…it’s just a Cha-Cha.