Doctor Appointment Decorum and Lizards

Doctor Appointment Decorum and Lizards

Doctor Appointment Decorum and Lizards

I took Mom to the geriatric doctor for what was supposed to be a routine blood check on her Coumadin levels, but ended up being more. She has developed an infection, and it was determined we needed to see the doctor. To do so, the doctor had to fit us in, which meant we had to wait for over an hour to see her. The downside, I had to contact my first two students and reschedule them on what was already a long and complicated day at work. The upside…an extra hour laughing and cutting up with Heavy D.

I thought at some point we were going to be asked to either tone it down or leave the examination room. Even though Mom didn’t feel well, she was on a roll, coming out with some real gems. Every time she did, we’d both go into a fit of laughter. I see so many other daughters with their mothers while we’re there, and they all seem so somber. I’ll tell you one thing, no one has more fun at the doctor’s office or in the ER than my mom and me. Some examples…

Mom asked me the name of the stone in my engagement ring (she loves anything having to do with jewelry). It’s tanzanite, but I couldn’t think of it for the life of me. She started naming off gemstones.

“Ruby, diamond, opal, sapphire, salamander…oh, wait- that’s a lizard.”

On her fan club…

For the life of her, Mom can’t remember ‘Facebook’. Ever. ‘Facebook became “that Face-thing”, and now she has somehow morphed “that Face-thing” into “The Space People”. Mom has no concept of the Internet, but she justified her new nomenclature with, “Well, they DO come from all over, don’t they?” Yes, Ma’am, they sure do.

On me always taking her photo and telling stories about her…

“How about you take a picture of yourself for once. I could tell some stories about you- I bet you wouldn’t like that so much now, would you?”
She then proceeded to tell a very embarrassing tale of me as an infant involving interesting diaper experiences. No Mom…I wouldn’t like it.

She also let something slip that immediately brought to mind a disturbing childhood incident…

“I ate some peas yesterday. I usually don’t eat them since I don’t like them.”

Me: “Wait- you mean to tell me you made me sit at the dinner table for hours that time when I was a kid because I hated peas and wouldn’t eat them, and YOU don’t like peas?”

“Well, they’re good for you, you know.”

Great, I was emotionally scarred by peas, and Mom glibly pulls out the old “They’re good for you” line.

Dr. Ballio finally came in, a bit harried from her day. The woman has the patience of a saint, as my mother will talk her ear off and tell her the same exact stories every single time. I should have kept a running count of each of the regular stories Mom insists on completing, often right on top of what poor Dr. Ballio is trying to say to her. Mom also had to drop several hints about her fan club (today it was dramatically spinning the bracelet that Georgia Melton gave her with her wrist lifted in the air).

“Oh, did you see my new bracelet? It’s from my fan club. Did I tell you I have my very own fan club? I’m a celebrity!”

Dr. Ballio patiently listened to Mom, even though I knew she had a room full of patients waiting to see her. She has earned her star in Heaven, as far as I’m concerned.

Once we finished with the exam and got an MRI set up for tomorrow, Mom hinted that she wanted a chocolate shake.

“I’ll let you take a picture of me with my shake for the space people.”

Mom, was there any doubt?

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