The Day Ahead
I couldn’t get to sleep last night, so tired from the past couple of days that I just couldn’t turn my spinning brain off. Finally dozing for a couple of hours, I awoke at 3:30am, my mind back at work, thinking of the long list of things I have to get done for Mom. I took Coops and moved into the guest room so that I wouldn’t wake Dan lighting up the room with my iPad.
I will be visiting nursing homes today, hoping to find a good fit for Mom that will work out financially. Time to get Medicaid paperwork going, clean her apartment and touch base again with Princeton Towers, check her mail, bills, refrigerator, garbage, clean up more from the effects of her fall. How I will miss The Home for Wayward Seniors….and mom already is. Bingo is tomorrow…Mom won’t be there, and I know she will be missed.
It doesn’t help to have regrets, but I so wish I had gotten Medicaid paperwork started sooner. I am so naive, having trusted Mom’s wonderful health insurance that she has had for so long, and not realizing the months it could take for Medicaid to kick in. Months that will be crucial, as Mom has no savings, and we don’t have much either. All I can do is work fast and do everything I can…and trust that all will work out.
I am obsessed with writing, the only thing that seems to calm me and help me focus. Sweet Dan recognizes that, and encourages me every step of the way. He is not able to do much physically to help me right now, as he is swamped at the theater, but he is my emotional anchor, lifting me back up each evening and sending me off in the morning with such love and support.
I am recognizing that even though I’m not in school right now, I still can’t get everything done on my own while trying to be with Mom and advocate for her at the hospital, take care of the animals, house, and yard, try to stay connected with Dan, go to all of my own doctor appointments that were scheduled long ago to avoid school conflicts, try to practice and finish my book….the juggling act just isn’t working well. I have decided to reach out and ask for help where I can with phone calls and some internet research, possibly with other things, too. I always think I can do everything, make it work. I’m raising the white flag.
I’m afraid to be away from the hospital right now, as so many things are happening and major decisions are being made about Mom. Just running out to lunch yesterday, I missed the case worker who is trying to help me with the important next steps, and had to track her down. It’s hard to leave Mom, but so many things have to be done outside of the hospital. I feel torn, worn out…and this is only the third day. How do people do it?
It’s time for a dose of realism, and probably time to be a bit more gentle on myself. The day ahead will be a busy one, but I will clear the commitments away that aren’t crucial, and focus on what is. I will be there for Mom the very best I can be. A lump of tears has taken residence in me, and spills over at the most unexpected times. I guess that’s okay, too. I can still be strong and cry.
As I tell my students who come to me stressed out, “one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes, one minute at a time.” I can do this…I am, after all, the daughter of Heavy D.