I had a dream that I was looking into a mirror, seeing myself as a very old woman, my face deeply lined, my hair silvery gray, my blue eyes still bright. I felt a deep sadness- not necessarily because I was old, but because of the intense feeling of failure that enveloped me. I woke with a jolt thinking, What have I done with my life? Have I wasted it away with worry and doubt, never reaching my full potential? Is there time to make a difference in the world…have I been a failure?
Dreams are a time for us to work through things sometimes, especially, perhaps, the things that we can’t quite reconcile while we are awake. Our minds continue to wrestle with the conflicts raging inside of us, trying to come to some sort of resolution, and if we pay attention it can help us understand and move forward. The last few months have been difficult ones at times, with several burdens put in my path- some of my own making. Some of those burdens I can share, some I will always have to carry on my own. Those are always the hardest, heaviest ones to carry, and sometimes they seem to become even heavier with the passage of time.
I’m not yet sure how to face it all, how to resolve the conflicts within. I do know that I don’t want to get to the end of my life and feel regret. I can see how it could happen – I have gone through a divorce, I have hurt people- unintentionally, but still. I have allowed fear and doubt to rule my heart, and I know that this has crippled my progress at times. I have made so many mistakes, so many wrong choices. How do I ever make amends for it all? Spring renewal….always another chance to bloom.
I don’t know the answers yet, and perhaps I never will. I am trying my best to see my mistakes as a page in the book of my life- not a whole chapter. I can change the ending of the story by my actions and my attitude, and I can choose to find joy no matter how the story ends. I find it so easy to allow one event cloud my mind and keep me feeling like I’m wearing concrete shoes, unable to move. I have always been so hard on myself, but so lenient with others. I hope to learn to be at least a little lenient with myself, as well.
I also hope to learn to appreciate what I have accomplished, the lives I have touched in a positive way, whether it be through my career teaching and performing, or hopefully through some of my writing. I want so badly to be a good human being, to be genuine and compassionate, filled with love. I also want to be someone who can forgive myself for not being perfect, to allow myself to rewrite the ending of my story by what I do in the now.